Oh, hey… heh. What was that about being more active here in 2016?
Maman bought me a book for my birthday called The Art of Being Normal. It was probably just because she thought that the title was funny, transgender teenagers are definitely at the bottom of my ‘fiction plotlines that I would find vaguely interesting’ list, but it had me thinking about being ‘normal’ in general.
Weird people know we’re weird, and we don’t feel the need to announce it (looking at you, omg i like books and tea i’m so quirky ahahaha girls), in fact, we’ve often put a lot of energy into striving to be whatever we thought regular people are like.
I know there’s not really any such thing as ‘normal’, but you know that there are people that never quite fit in, and growing up, that was always me. I never had a large group of friends, and especially in secondary school, I mostly drifted between groups of people who were nice enough, but weren’t really close friends. I was a bit paranoid, mentioning anything slightly unusual to a bunch of equally self-conscious teenagers was met with looks of disgust and second-hand embarrassment, which would just push me back into my shell.
Looking back, I’m glad that I was, and still am, a bit weird. This isn’t going to be a blog post about how I’m better than those other people, and it’s not something I’mm particularly proud of, any more than I am of having brown hair. What I want really to say is that our experiences in childhood shape who we are as adults, and I’m pleased that my younger self, for all of her cringey tastes in music and clothing, terrible DIY haircuts, and loneliness, has helped me become me.
The things I was insecure about before, I think, have become my strengths. All the time I spent alone has taught me how to become independent, I don’t care if I look like my date stood me up at a restaurant, I’m perfectly happy eating by myself. My odd dress sense is probably still odd, but I know what I like, and I’ll happily take risks that others wouldn’t dream of. I don’t think of myself as particularly intelligent, and if I weren’t myself I’d probably tell me to shut the fuck up, but people do me the compliment of letting me ramble on for hours on just about anything, so I suppose I’m doing something right there, too.
I’m not 100% where I want to be yet, it takes me a while to really open up around new people, and there are always parts of myself that I’ll be working on, but I know that self-improvement is a lifelong process, and that I’m on the right track.